| Following Sho's Lead... |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|12:59 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Ah--Brooklyn! | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | STEEL PIER | ] |
I haven't posted in ages,...but I was intrigued by Sho's approach to end-of-year listmaking. Therefore, I made a list of my own (fashioned after hers) to summarize *my* theatergoing experiences for 2006. (And, boy! Did I see a lot--mostly for free, too!)
Here's my rating system:
* = Slept Through It (or Wished I Did)
** = Wanted to Leave
*** = Thought It Was Decent
**** = Told My Friends
***** = Rose to My Feet
All of the shows were musicals (and one opera) unless they're listed in brackets, in which case they were plays. I listed *nearly* everything I saw, excluding only Cycle 16 stuff and cabaret/solo shows.
Note that it’s possible to have earned no stars (yes, MIMI LE DUCK, I’m talking to you).
Here I go--
I Love You Because (Off-Broadway): ***
Handel’s Hercules (BAM): ****
Bill T. Jones 2006 Dance Concert (NYU): *
The Light in the Piazza (Broadway/Lincoln Center): *****
Tango (NYU): …
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Broadway): ****
[Family Secrets (Off-Broadway): ****]
In the Heights (Staged Reading): *****!
Into the Woods (NYU): *
Kismet (Encores! Series): ***
The Yellow Wood (GMTW): ***
Bernarda Alba (Off-Broadway/Lincoln Center): ****
Sarah Plain and Tall (Off-Broadway/Theaterworks): *****
70, Girls, 70 (Encores! Series): ***
The Time Travelers’ Convention (GMTW): ***
Amazon Odyssey (GMTW): *, but so bad it was good
Awakening (GMTW): *****
Under Construction (GMTW): ***
Iron Curtain (Prospect Theater Company): …
[Hisotry Boys (Broadway)]: *
In This House (Staged Reading): ****
Lestat (Broadway): ***
Bombay Dreams (National Tour): **
[The New Deal (Staged Reading)]: ***
Wedding Singer (Broadway): **
Jersey Boys (Broadway): ***
Hello, Dolly! (Paper Mill): **
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie (Off-Broadway/Theaterworks): *****
Rainy Day People (NYU): **
Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris (Off-Braodway): ***
The A Train Plays (Fundraiser): ****
Tarzan (Broadway): **
Bridge and Tunnel (Broadway): *****
The Fantasticks (Off-Broadway): ****
Mother Courage and Her Children (Public Theater): ***
Hairspray (Broadway): *****
The Navigator (Staged Reading): **
Angels (NYMF): *
Mimi le Duck (Off-Broadway): …
Madam (Staged Reading): *, but so bad it was good
Evil Dead (Off-Broadway): *
[Heartbreak House (Broadway): *]
A Chorus Line (Broadway): ****
The Flood (Prospect Theater Company): **
Striking 12 (Off-Broadway): ****
[The Little Dog Laughed (Broadway): ****]
Zorro (Staged Reading): *
[Durango (Public Theater): ***]
High Fidelity (Broadway): **
Meet John Doe (Goodspeed): *
Spring Awakening (Broadway): *****
That Time of the Year (York Theater): ***
Cycle 17 10-Minute Musicals (GMTW): ** |
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| One Word: |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|03:01 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
Miserable. |
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| My Buddy and Me |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|03:16 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Park Slope | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Romantic Piano Classics" | ] |
It's been a long time since I've actually been this content. And it's all because of a boy. Reading my last entry, you'd have no idea that I would come to feel the way I do about T. Last week was really a turning point in our relationship, and it's only looking up from here on out. I find myself wishing that I were wish him every waking moment, and I literally want him to spend every night with me when he is on layoff from his tour. I wasn't exaclty sure how I felt about him even before I left for Texas. I guess it took that to really show me how much he cared about me. And now, since he's been home, I see it on a daily basis (if not more frequent). Can this happiness last? I have no idea, but I certainly hope so.
I think he whispered that he loved me one night when he was holding me before we fell asleep. I couldn't tell. We were both very tired. I'm not sure if I'm ready to say the "magic words." BUT...last night we were at this really cute Mexican restaurant in Park Slope--having dinner outside and watching the sun set--and, while he was up from the table, I MEANT to text my roommate Gabrielle the inebriated message, "Do I love this man?" and I accidentally sent it to him. Upon returning from the restroom, he asked me (very cutely) what the text message meant. All I could do was tell him I never sent it. ;-)
He's out having drinks with friends right now...and it's LATE. I wish I were wish him, but I think I already said that. We're spending the weekend together at his mother's beachfront house in Connecicut (my old stomping grounds), which is kind of exciting. We'll have the run of the house to ourselves, in addition to his mom's life-partner's convertible, AND the private beach! Oh, the good life. Maybe I do really love T. Maybe this is meant to be. It felt so wrong at the beginning,...but I didn't force it one way or the other, and T. kept coming back for more. Things progressed so naturally [and quickly]. But I adore him. And he seems to adore me. :-D Enough said...for tonight. |
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| The Earth Went Where...? |
[May. 29th, 2006|02:03 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | CIRCLE 9 - Illegal Recording | ] |
Why, when I have EVERY reason to be happy, do I feel like the earth has disappeared beneath my feet?
Let me start by saying that I leave on Tuesday to spend a week with T in Texas. Oh, T. I like T. I like him a lot--don't get me wrong. But I don't LOVE T. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with T. Not at this point. He and I met last calendar year when he was going out with a [not very good] friend of mine. I was jealous. They're both good-looking guys, and I thought: "Why can't I have a boyfriend like T?" Well, now I essentially do. In fact, I kind of HAVE T as a boyfriend, though we've talked about it, and I told him that I can't agree to exclusivity while he's away. Well, in response, T bought me a plane ticket to Texas to visit him. It's very sweet...and I'm really looking forward to spending time with him...it's just that there are others on the horizon who are IN New York. They don't call EVERY night, and they're not so heavily entrenched in the theater that life with them becomes one big theatrical schmoge (to steal a word of my mother's). I like T a lot. I just wish he were in New York right now so that I could better judge how well we get along in person. This phone business is getting to be a bit much.
The "others"...?
There's Mr. Famous. Mr. Famous is always on the horizon. As soon as I think I've heard the last of him, I hear from him. Text messages mostly. We keep trying to get together for drinks, but it never seems to work out. However, I dream of what it would be like to be swept up and away by him. He is rich. I wouldn't have to worry about money ever again. He's not actually my type...and he's kind of an asshole...but he's super-cute and doesn't ask much of me except to be myself...which is hard around him sometimes. Anyway...that's Mr. Famous.
Then we've got Bishp. Oh, Bishop. Bishop would only have to say the word, and I would marry him on the spot. He writes these cute little notes to me in French that--I'm embarrassed to say--I have to take to Marilyn so that she can translate them for me. The last one said something to the effect of "I am scared because I have never had such intense feelings for something I've known so briefly. Please give me the time to figure out what's going on inside of me." He and I actually talked tonight for the first time in a week, and it wasn't a very pleasant talk, mostly because I got bitchy, as I have a tendancy to do. I can't help it. It's my defence. At least Bishop didn't call me fat. (Isn't "Bishop" a funny name? He goes by "Bish." I kind of like that.) ANYway...Bish is a model, and he's got hella photos from underwear shoots and from unused Abercrombie and Lacoste (or some other "lifestyle brand") shoots. I adore him; he is the sexiest guy. I think.
"What I wish most of all is to know what I want."
And there are various others: One who wants to sleep with me "just to see what it's like." The guy I showed my dick to for free drinks (embarrassing, I know). Others. :-/ I just want someone to say: "XXX, I love you so much for WHO YOU ARE. Not what you do--not how you look--not what you say--not how you dress--not how you talk--not how you smell...but who you are...what you write." (After all, "my art is me.") ;-)
What is going on in my life? I wish I knew. But, off to Texas I go. I suppose.
P.S. I moved into a new apartment in Brooklyn. It's SO much nicer than my old apartment. I might actually be able to invite guys home now. My bedroom's actually a mess now, but give me a week after I get back from Texas. It'll sparkle and SHINE!
P.P.S. Remember all that I wrote about Vanilla Ice? After our third date, I never heard from him again. As cute as he is and as great as our FIRST date went, we just didn't have the chemistry to sustain a conversation, let alone a dating relationship. |
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| Kind of Content With the World |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|02:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
I am kind of happy right now. I've also had a lot of wine.
Maybe the world doesn't hate me. But, "Whe-e-e-e-ere is love?" Answer me, bi&ch! |
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| What Is My Life? |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|02:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | caffeinated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
Mr. Famous called me randomly today from Vegas. :-/ The funny thing is, appeantly I called HIM last night. Interesting to know that he cared enough to call me back. He's in Vegas for three weeks.
Brunch with Vanilla was disaterous. He seemed to enjoy entertaining himself with his witty banter. I had no idea what to do. He rejected my (rather fabulous) recommendation for brunch, and we ended up going to a classless West Village diner. That kind of upset me. Then we ended up taking an aimless walk through Chelsea. By daylight. I just want to get drunk with him and tear his clothes off. Is that too hard to ask? I mean, I guarantee he'd enjoy it. Who needs to talk?
Darren and I are on ice, I guess, until I make the next move. I'm not sure when that will be. Not anytime TOO soon, I imagine, especially with my impending plans of visiting the Grand Old Ivy in two weeks.
Waiting to hear from Mr. Music regarding when HE'D like to go out.
Any others...? Um, nope.
Got REALLY wasted last night and had the worst hangover since Steve (<-- Real Name) last year in May. After getting lost in SOHO for an hour and finally biting the bullet to hail a cab, I though I deserved extra vodka. My body disagreed. And it disagreed for a hella long time!
School starts again tomorrow. Kind of want to die. |
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| The Secret Life of XXX |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|11:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Coldplay: XY | ] |
*Sigh.* I feel pretty crappy right now. And I just got back from a fantastic three days in East Hampton at a gorgeous vacation home.
I try not to be so manic-depressive, but I guess that's just the way God made me. Spring Break is officially halfway over, and here I am wallowing my own self pity. Oh well. At least the stuff I'm wallowing in has made me happy to some degree, right? Well...let me explain.
So, looks like I'm back on the dating circuit? I only use the term "dating circuit," because in the last week, I've gone on two separate dates and have been asked to go on one (and a half) more. How did they go? Well--
My first date was with Darren, whom I can't really talk about in too much detail for a number of reasons. Suffice it to say that Darren and I see each other on a pretty regular basis, and it took about six months for us to acknowledge the fact that we've been flirting with each other pretty much since the day our paths first crossed. He's really cute and super talented, but I'm not sure that a relationship could ever really blossom precisely for the same reasons that I can't talk about him in too much detail here. We were only supposed to go out for coffee (I was going to meet him on the way back from the gym--how hot is THAT?!)...but when the Starbucks with overflowing with New Yorkers, we decided to hit up some dinner instead. (Sadly, Darren showered after his workout session; still I imagined what he was like, hot and sweaty only a few minutes before we met up that night.) We ended up going to this tiny Mexican restaurant in the East Village near Union Square. We spent so much time talking and NOT looking at the menu that I think the waitstaff actually got really annoyed with us. Anyway...the food was good, if a little overpriced, but the coversation was great, and I would love to go out with Darren a lot more. Even if we don't turn into attached-forever boyfriends, it would be nice to become close friends with him, because we really do have a million and one things in common (aside from the obvious professional goals). I had to run home and write, so the date wasn't very epic (unlike my next date; see below), but after two and half hours of some of the best conversation I've enjoyed in a long time, I was sad to see Darren go. We parted at the F train station at 14th and 6th Ave. He e-mailed me that night to wish me good luck on my writing and to express the hope that we go out again soon. I'll be seeing him tomorrow; it's a special day for him. I'll update you when I can.
This next date was a little more interesting/dirty. And it requires a little bit of a setup. I met Vanilla Ice last Friday when I went out for the birthday of my new "boss." My boss invited me out for a few drinks with his friends, and I unwittingly said yes. When Vanilla got to the bar, I was really happy I did. I was even happier when--upon leaving--he said, "If you're not going to, then I have to: What's your number?" We exchanged numbers. The funny thing is, we didn't really even talk that night at all. The little we DID talk was just kind of meaningless banter, me trying to impress him--perhaps him trying to impress me a little, but I didn't really know it.
ANYWAY...I texted him on the following Thursday, because I still hadn't heard from him--he called me saying he was free late Sunday afternoon. We had a really great rapport on the phone for never having talked before. I felt really great about this date, though we left the details open. In fact, Vanilla never really called me back about them...so I was getting worried that he may have had forgotten about me altogether, which wouldn't surprise me, given my luck with boys lately. I made plans with Rachelle to see BERNARDA ALBA at Lincoln Center Sunday afternoon, and I left a message with Vanilla saying that I was free to meet after the matinee. He ended up calling me right before I left for the theater saying that he would meet me in Lincoln Center Plaza after the show. (P.S. If you haven't seen BERNARDA ALBA yet, run, Run, RUN to the Mitzi E. Newhouse Theater! It's GREAT!)
There he was, circling around the fountain in the rain with a big old blue umbrella. His hair was down...no wax...and he looked seriously like a 10-year-old boy. In any case, he was really cute (and seemed to get older as the date progressed). We went to Starbucks, picked up some caffeinated beverages, then forayed out into Central Park in the rain. Vanilla proceeded to give me a guided tour including: Bethesda's Fountain, the Ramble (where I'd been before), Belvedere's Castle, the Shakespeare Gardens...that's where we first held hands. We passed a quotation from THE WINTER'S TALE, and I said, "I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me who said it." (It was Perdita.) Anyway...then we went to find Cleopatra's Needle. That's where we first kissed. He made a really bad joke ("I always say that she didn't get crabs until they brought her to New York"), and I just pulled him to me and kissed him on the stairs up to the obelisk. I asked him if we could see the Alice statue, and he took me to it. It was getting dark (around 6/7 p.m.), and he took me up to the parapet over the band shell. We made out there for about an hour straight. I was KIND of in Heaven. Vanilla (even if he has an odd name) is one of the cutest boys ever, and he was so into me (or so it seemed), it was amazing. I mean, at least his body seemed into me. I have never made out for such an extended period of time in a public place without getting bored (yes--I've been known to get bored during making out/sex)...I'm sure some of it was the excitement of something new, but it also just felt really wonderful to be in Vanilla's arms. He was SO incredible goofy/sweet/endearing/complimentary/et al. I loved every moment of being with him...even the awkward ones that made me sweaty.
We decided it was probably a good idea to part ways and go home, whereupon we proceeded to get nastier and nastier as we "tried to find out way out of the Park." (He knew damn well where we were the whole time.) At one point, as we were nearing the exit, we stopped and had a wonderful two-hour conversation about a lot of things. (I was going to write "everyting under the sun," but that's not accurate. We talked about a lot of random things, and--therefore--have a lot more to talk about, thank God.) We talked abut weird words, Stephen King, dancing...stuff that's certainly never come up with any guy I've seen since Dave (<--real name). We were basically just being stupid with each other, and it was really, really delightful. Other guys (one in particular that I saw recently) would have found it childish or juvenile or boring or annoying...but Vanilla seemed to revel in it. (The conversation also allowed his swelling to go down.) It was after 10 p.m. by the time we parted ways...and, afterward, I felt the most fulfilled (having done nothing sexually) than I had since sleeping with Greg (<--again, real name) a year and a half ago.
He knew I was going to East Hampton until today, and I was going to call him from there, but I thought I should call him closer to our next date: Saturday for brunch/lunch. He and I exchanged a brief convo tonight online, but it seems like he's either rather terse--or maybe he's not as into me as I thought he was. The funny thing is, he DID bring up relationships when we engaged in the end-of-date cool-down. He said that he wants a relationship, but doesn't look for one, because guys in the City just aren't what he wants/needs. How funny. I feel exactly the same way--except for the fact that I AM looking for a relatiosnhip. It just seems like all of the prospects have, in some way, let me down...or I've let them down or something...in any case: things just didn't work out. I pray that things work out with Vanilla. I could use someone on my side at this point in my life. He's SO cute, and SO...just...
*Sigh.* But that's a pipe dream. Take each day in stride, XXX, and the right guy will come along. Maybe/hopefully it IS Vanilla. Maybe it's Darren (and things will blossom when the time is right). Maybe it's Mr. Famous. Maybe it's Mr. Music. We shall see. (Mr. Music is the other guy who wants a date with me...he's a friend of a friend from the Grand Old Ivy. I think it's about time we meet for a few drinks.)
Look forward to an update after brunch with Vanilla (who's from Ohio, by the way) sometime soon. |
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| Blah, Blah, Blah: Procrastination |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|02:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lion King - Original Broadway Cast | ] |
I haven't updated my LiveJornal in forever...but I don't think it really matters, because it's not like anybody is actually reading this tripe. (I look others' journals and marvel at how many people comment on their entries nightly.)
I am SOOO tired. I have been all week. I had class today from 12:00 to 2:00, had lunch with classmates, and then went RIGHT back to bed. I didn't get back up until around 11:00, whereupon I proceeded to being this transposition I promised to have for one of my roommates last Wednesday. I'm a horrible person. (Though I hear the going rates for transpositions is $20 per page, and this guy's only paying me $10 total...so I don't feel too bad about it. I have too big a heart. And this is a HUGE transposition job.) Anyway...
As for matters of the heart:
I have no idea what Geoff and I were. It seemed like we were destined to be together. The starts were too perfectly aligned. After a year of courting each other and getting pretty intense, I am sad to report that we are now officially over and done with. He called me to wish me a happy birthday, but neither of us could really talk, so I called him the next day at his behest. I was out with a bunch of classmates at our favorite hangout: "Asia Bar" in the East Village. I left the restaurant to talk to him in private. I was hoping to have a really great, warm conversation...and I also expected him to give SOME kind of explanation for how he had disappeared for two months all of a sudden. He merely apologized. Nothing more. Then he wanted to know what was going on in my life, if I was seeing anyone. When I told him the reality of the situation: that I've somehow found myslef in the "dating scene" once again, he didn't seem at all unnerved...which I was kind of hoping he would. I explained how I was meeting others from Grand Old Ivy and how funny it was that I've met so many other freshman RAs (both Geoff and I were freshman RAs at the GOI). Anyway... Since I wasn't getting the response I wanted, and since I was a little tipsy, I started to fish: "But, to be honest, when I'm out with most guys, I wish I were with you..."
His response: "Oh, that's sweet."
Anyway...long story short: He said that he doesn't feel right about doing the long distance thing, and that he can't explain why. He suddenly got very tired and wanted to continue the convesation later (or not at all..."maybe via e-mail" he proposed). I basically said, "Fine. To me, it just sounds like you're making excuses. It's been a year...and you've started relationships with guys a few days after meeting them. You're obviously not being straightforward with me."
He was like, "Erhm...yeah. Hey, look. I still want you in my life. I still want to talk to you. Look, we'll talk soon."
I said, "Yeah. In another two months. Sweet."
At this point, he got really mad, said, "You know? Yeah, XXX. In TWO months." And we both hung up.
So, Geoff's out of my life. FANTASTIC. The birthday present he sent me arrived the next day. I saw it on my way out of the building--I was going to pick it back up on my way back from school. Well--so much for my "safe" neighborhood, because someone took (read: "stole") it before I got back home. God only knows what inside, but how metaphorical is that?
Eon is also out of the picture. That same night I texted him: "Stop teasing me." And then we had a series of IMs that essentially cut him out of my life, as well. Eon's always been bad news for me. (He entered my life about the same time Geoff did...but things wiht Eon already reached a head once, and there was fallout, etc.)
Okay, so I don't understand how dramatic my life can be. And I'm so tired. School is getting so intense. All I want to do most of the time is sleep. I'm not working this semester, so I need to be uber-careful about money, and I need to write my ass off, because I've now been assigned two semester-end projects (which is great news/extra pressure).
Okay. Time to resume transposition. Anyone want to bring me a margarita right about now? You'd be more than welcome to (though I'm afraid there's no room for you in my "apartment" (read: "cave"). *Sigh.* |
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| Life: Still Note Remarkable |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|09:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My "Mindless Tunes" Playlist | ] |
I'm making coffee right now. It's going to be a long night. One of my own choosing however. Besides, in Geoff's words, I'm "superhuman"; I don't need sleep. :-/
I have been hauling my ass at Abercrombie for minor ducats for far too long. Come January, I'm quitting. Mind you, I'm only working two more times before I'm off for Christmas break, so that's two more times total. Then I'm going to casually do my Christmas shopping, buy loads of A&F crap at 30% off, and call it a year.
I wrote to Geoff and the Cantab just now. I'm not happy about either of the e-mails I sent. I wanted to be warmer and more supportive to the Cantab; his away messages are always so sad... :-/ But I think I was cold and unfeeling...you know, typical XXX. As for Geoff, well, this was in reply to the first I've heard from him in almost two weeks, well, since I saw him at the Grand Old Ivy. He wrote a pretty substantial e-mail (nothing like he used to) about how stressed he is and about how disappointed he's been with himself lately. I read that as: I want to break up [this relationship we don't have]. In my head today at work, I formulated the most perfect e-mail to him, but when I sat down to write it, mush came out. I just ended up telling him "I understand" and about my weekend. I did, however, end it the way I'd planned:
"Know that I'm always here for you; I'll even be THERE for you, literally. But only if you want me to be. If not, well, then maybe we should talk..."
I have a feeling that whatever wonderful thing I had going on with him is coming to an end.
Meanwhile, the BFN are still working. (For those of you who don't know what BFN are, see the movie 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU. It's "beer-flavored nipples." It means: "People are into you.") So, there have been three managers at work and one army ant like me who've been hitting on me. All of whom are pretty good-looking. None of them is Geoff. (And sadly, the Mr. LiveJournal look-alike is not one of them, either.) Two of the guys are British, and it's actually hard to tell if they're hitting or just British, you know? I wouldn't do anything with any of the four of them, but it's nice to be admired.... I guess.
So, I don't know what I stand right now. The ground keeps changing, and I'm staggering to catch my footing.
Anybody out there have the answer?
P.S. School continues to blow big time. I can't wait for Christmas Break and a new project. This one just isn't fun anymore. |
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| "How Many Times a Day..." |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|10:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | heartbroken | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Collaborator's | ] |
"...Do you want to kill yourself?" That used to be a big joke, my "tag line," if you will at the Grand Old Ivy when things got tough. Well, things are tough now, too. And if someone were to ask me that question now, I'd say: 118.
I'm depressed on 3 levels right now.
1. I can't seem to get a handle on my life. I'm so far behind in all of my schoolwork and life stuff that it's really hard to look at myself in the mirror nowadays. I seem to be letting everyone down, and in the process, I'm letting myself down...egregiously. And that's not only.
2. I don't know where my head is with boys. I wish I could just say, "screw you," and disappear once and for all...but I hunger for someone's arms. I haven't talked to Geoff in almost two weeks. He got the birthday package I sent and shot me a thankful e-mail, but that's as close as he's come to getting in touch with me. I don't count phonecalls that I can't pickup anymore. (Why call at 3:00 when I'm CLEARLY in school?) He is confusing the hell out of me, and I don't like it. I just want to know what we are, because if we're nothing, I'm wasting my time. Maybe I never should have broke things off with the Cantab. :-/ I want Geoff here and now. My heart feels empty without him. I'm a horrible person.
3. My current schoolwork is going less than well, and--even though my collaborator insists it's not my fault--I somehow can help but feel that everything is my fault nowadays. (Sorry about those hurricanes, etc.)
So, basically, I just am felling pretty lousy. And I hate it.
Goeff, where the hell are you? What are you doing? I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. All I want to do is sleep.... |
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| "When the Sons of Eli..." |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|05:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fulfilled | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mtvU Fall Sampler '05 | ] |
I'm just back from Connecticut, home of "The Grand Old Ivy"--and the biggest alumni event of the year: The Game. Unfortuantely, the Grand Old Ivy lost to our arch rivals (the Chipmunks, if you're following my musical theater analogy).
In any case, so maybe we lost the big football game. I consider myself a winner for the weekend. But let me start at the beginning.
I arrived at the Ivy around 12:30, and--one of my best friends, Dunny, came to pick me up. I lived with Dunny all summer in her off-campus apartment, and I was going to be staying with her for the weekend. So, she picked me up from the train station, but she and her roommate Vicky B. were pulling all nighters on drafts of their senior essays, which were due the next day. After a couple of calls from Miguel, one of my freshmen from last year, I decided to go hang out with my '08 boys at Ivy Noodle for a little while. Afterward, Miguel, Gustave, and I went back to their dorm room and cracked open a few Rolling Rocks before I stumbled home, buzzed and tired. I fell asleep on the couch as Dunny and Vicky B. typed away at the kitchen table.
The next day, I was supposed to have lunch with a coworker from the Dean's Office. We went to Anna Liffey's, this really cool Irish Pub, a la The Leaky Cauldron from HARRY POTTER (which I haven't seen yet, but want to desperately). I got a free beer there, because the bartender accidentally tapped the wrong...tap for somebody else; that was the second time that happened to me last week. Anyway, we had a really great chat about my life in New York and what I'd left behind in Connecticut, the state of the office without me, etc. We both went back to the office together, and though many of the deans were out, it was still nice to see the old place again. I spent three years of my life in that office--oftentimes I spent more hours there per week than I did in class.
I suggested to Dunny that we hit up the big fall musical: Stephen Sondheim and John Weidman's ASSASSINS. She thought it'd be a good idea. So, Winston, his boyfriend Arnold, Dunny, and I had dinner at Yorkside (my FAVORITE), and then headed for the University Theater. We had to pick up a corkscrew at the bookstore before leaving for the theater, however, because Dunny and I knew that we wouldn't be able to make it through the impending God-awful performance without the aid of Nalgene wine. Before the curtain, Dunny escaped to the women's bathroom to pop open the bottle and carefully pour it into two awaiting 500-mL Nalegenes. (Thank GOD!)
What happened next is kind of a blur. It was a series of parties, a series of drinks, a series of unfortunate events. I hoped and prayed that the night would end with me in Geoff's arms. Well, that didn't happen. I wasn't sure what time he'd be making it to the campus, and I was getting more and more toasted as the night went on. I started off at a junior party in McClellan Hall, where lived MY junior year. The party was actually right across from the room I lived in my junior year, so I knocked on the door for old times' sake. Well, I knew the people who lived there and they invited me in for a drink and perhaps a little more. For some reason, they didn't realize who I was, I guess, and when I told one of them that I played Dickon in last year's THE SECRET GARDEN (which was also at the University Theater), he fell against the door and said, "Oh, my God, man! I had no idea that was you...you...were fucking AMAZING!" That made me feel AMAZING, because this guy and I never really got along...and he's striaght, so to get such a huge compliment from someone like him...that kinda made my night, yet propelled me to drink even more. But the night was young.
I started walking back to JE where I ran into Jonny, the first guy I ever kissed. We exachanged short words. I think he's a jerk. How exactly I got to JE is still being investigated. It was about this time I lost use of my legs.
I don't know whether it was on the way up or the way down, but I passed by an unfortunatle girl (the daughter of somebody important...so I can't say here) throwing up in a sink. I--surprising myself--helped to take care of her. (As you may or may not know, my biggest fear is other people's vomit.) The night continued...
I somehow made it into Sherwin's room. Sherwin and I had essentially nothing in common last year. (He's another sophomore...or "freshman" still in my mind.) But I always kind of admired his lack of concern for the rules. After a few shots of coffee-flavored liquer and God knows what else, I was feeling pretty good/pretty fried. Fast forward to me getting SOMEHOW to the other end of the dorm, where I ran into Charles. He was on his way to a gay party in the basement of the sketchy gay bar: Partners. He and I decided to go there together. (Against my better judgment.) The only reason I decided to go was that I thought there'd be a slight chance Geoff would be there. I was tired/am tired of the Ivy gay scene and CERTAINLY wasn't looking to pick anyone up. Nonetheless, there I trudged across, then off campus to this horrible bar.
My memory of what happened here is exceedingly hazy. I DO remember this: I talked to a really hot guy I'd seen around campus a lot. He, actually, was eyeing me. At this point, my inhibitions were SO gone, that I initiated conversation. I have no idea what he said, but I started to get friendly...and he did back...but then he said, "You know I have a boyfriend, right?" Then I got all pissy and left. BUT, this guy DID say that I always thought I was incredibly hot AND remembered that I took/where I sat in Psych 210 (which he, obviously, was in, too)--he was a psych major. He has really pretty eyes, and even prettier lips. Speaking of which, Geoff was nowhere to be found. On the way home...again...I have NO IDEA how I got there...Geoff called saying he got in late and was going to bed. :-( I was sad.
The next morning, I had a horrible headache...it was 10:00 a.m. I had planned on being at the tailgate by 8:30 a.m., like the previous year when we played the Chipmunks on their home turf. Damn Chipmunks! In any case, Dunny and I showered, dressed, sobered up, and were out the door by 11:00.
The tailgate was essentialy uneventful. I didn't drink very much, because my stomach still felt pretty awful. Add the fact that I ate about 24 pounds of next-to-raw BBQ meat...ugh. XXX's stomach was NOT happy with him. At around 12:00, I called Geoff, and it was so GREAT to see him emerge from the crowd. His blond hair was REALLY blond, and he stood out from the rest of the crowd like you wouldn't believe. He was wearing the cutest gray hoodie (I was wearing my cream A&F sweater). He openly kissed me and held me in front of everyone. No one has ever done that before (except for a select few from whom I didn't want it). It felt great. At one point, someone asked him (after he introduced me), "Wait...how do you...? Are you two...? Are you dating."
Geoff looked at me, stuck out his tongue (as he tends to do when he's trying to be cute), and said, "Ummm...kinda, yeah." And then kissed me...in front of the six of seven people who were all gathered in our circle of conversation. We spend the rest of the afternoon together...went into the sadium, witnessed Grand Old Ivy's defeat, and then walked back to campus together.
This entry's getting a little long. To make a long story short, he called and said that he wasn't sure whether or not he'd be able to see me that night, which was really upsetting to me. I wanted to sleep with him. Not hook up, just sleep. But it looked like I wuldn't be seeing him for another month at the soonest...and our goodbye wasn't even that special: a street corner. However, he ended up showing up to Viva's when I was there with Sally. Geoff and his friends had some drinks and nachos, and we had a really nice time there together. Geoff and I told the story of how we met, and it was really...natural. It was the first time ever that his AND my friends were ever together at the same time, and it just felt...like we were all old friends.
Geoff made clear that he would NOT be staying with me at Dunny's (on the couch), even though I offered on several occasions. However, he ended up staying with me anyway... He took his friend to get the key to the place they were supposed to stay, but Geoff ended up with me on the couch. Pretty much all we did all night was hold and kiss each other. It was so special: to enjoy each other so much that we didn't even have to do anything else, that each other's touch was enough to make the two of us obscenely happy. (Dunny and Vicky B. don't KNOW that Geoff stayed, but I know they both suspect it.) Anyway...it was a great affirmation of what Geoff had said earlier that day...um, staying with me that night, I mean. He didn't have to. It was uncomfortable; he had to abandon his friend; and he was an uninvited houseguest.
He and I agreed that one of us will visit the other VERY soon after Thanksgiving.
That was my weekend. That's why I won.
In completely shitty news on my behalf, I went over to Mr. LiveJournal's last week. He wanted to hear my music (both literally and in bed). He was in a weird mood when I got to his apartment, and...I don't know...just seemed to be incredibly bored with life. Which is not what I'm looking for. I didn't have a very good time, and he didn't even say goodbye in the morning. He doesn't know what he wants. I regret going there...but now that I know that Geoff is thinking like we're a couple more and more, I DEFINITELY know what I want: and that's Geoff. I can't wait to see him again. I will not be seeing Mr. LiveJournal again. I am now wholly committed to Geoff, whether he's committed to me or not. |
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| So Much To Do / And Confused |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|11:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
That's an intentional near rhyme to pursposefully show that there's a lot worse than: caving in/masculine and welfare/pill Terr (as in short for Terry). It was a pop song. Be thankful I rhymed anything at all, imperfect as my rhymes were in the literary sense.
Anyway...life is confusing. I have no idea where Geoff's mind is, and I couldn't get my mind of Mr. LiveJournal today after I saw his lookalike at work (at Abercrombie--yeah, I work there now; I need to update my LiveJournal more often). I wish I knew where I kind of stood with either of them, so I could know where to do. I feel weird about everything. Last time I saw them both, we got into arguments (over VERY different things, I might add), which is also troubling to me.
I just want someone to hold me tonight. Instead, I go to bed alone. :-/
Just when you catch up,
Everything starts crashing down.
Welcome to Square One.
I only did this because he does this. |
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| Bon Voyage |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
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| | excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My Own | ] |
I leave for D.C., our nation's capital, tomorrow to visit Geoff for the weekend. I'm sure I'll have a fantastic amount to write upon my return. I'm VERY excited. Lots of errands to run tomorrow, though, before I catch a $20, D.C.-bound Chinatown bus.
However, these past few days have been REALLY stressful, so I'm exhausted. Goodnight. |
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| More Drama, Flirting, and Waiting |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|12:37 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence | ] |
THE DRAMA
Geoff called tonight. He was going to tell me the verdict of his discussions with his ex about how exactly exed they were. Last night, it very much sounded like Geoff was going to put his foot down and say "goodbye" for good to Mr. Brit. Well, as you can probably discern from the oh-so-clever title of this section that that's not exactly what happened. He basically called to tell me that, while he still wants me very much to go down to D.C. next weekend, he's still very much committed to his ex who lives on the other side of the world (*sigh*--explain to me how that makes any sense!).
So, here I sit, dejectedly editing mounds of crappy essay. I should be doing my schoolwork, but instead I am slaving over these horrible excuses for writing. I mean, today was a goldmine for me in terms of earnings, but it does take considerable time. And the fact that I do all of my editing work at the computer means that I procrastinate on AIM and iTunes to no end. It's really a problem.
Okay, back to Geoff: So...I don't know what to do. Half of me wants to say, "Screw him! I don't need this!" And the other half of me wants to say, "I'm a mature adult who can handle mature situations. I'll go visit him, and we'll have a pleasant time, and that'll be that."
THE FLIRTING
But it's more troubling than that. Last night, Geoff said, something like, "I'll have a hard time not ripping your clothes off and attacking you...no, actually, I KNOW I will rip you clothes off and attack you."
He also said that he wants to take me out in D.C. so that all the other boys will drool over me and be jealous of him. Well! Isn't that nice? :-/ I'm just really confused about the last nine months--well, no, actually moreso the last week--and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I kind of want to cry, but I think that would be REALLY immature of me, so that's the last thing I'm going to do at this moment. It's just that, I REALLY like Geoff a lot. I told him on the phone tonight that he affects me in a way I don't think anyone else ever really has. I adore him. He's gorgeous. And he knows all of these things.
The problem is that he just throws out compliments like you wouldn't believe. And whether or not he believes them to be true, they're really harmful to me, because--I know I shouldn't--be I get the wrong idea. I'm kind of thinking that I might be in love with Geoff. I can't explain the feeling in my chest I get when I think about him. Yes, I said this about Ean, and yeah, I said this about Harry. But something is different about Geoff...and I just wish that he would open himself up to me fully and forget about this other (not very attractive), Britsh guy. I mean, I think about Geoff about 45% of the day, which is not healthy.
And...he wants me to go to D.C. this weekend. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think it's a bad idea. It's not fair to me. I mean--f*uck it. I'll go on dates with three other guys, 3 nights in a row. I don't know why I ALWAYS fall for the ones who I know will never give me what I...and I mean this...DESERVE from them. Maybe I WILL cry tonight before bed. Better yet, maybe I'll cry myself to sleep.
THE WAITING
Mr. Famous is actually willing to give me a second chance, but the two dates that we've "set up" have fallen through. He texts me every night to see if I want to meet him for drinks, but I've been in working by midnight for the past two evenings. Maybe I'll go out with him and he'll fall madly in love with me and I'll forget about Geoff. How many times am I going to say this (but I mean it): It's a serious problem. I need to get my life on a healthier track, thinking about "more important" things.
IN OTHER NEWS...
I worked with my new collaborator today, and it was really great. The music I decided on is a little cliched, but I worry that everything I write is cliched; you might say that's my style. ;-) I'm looking forward to popping it in Sibelius and seeing what comes out. It's gonna take me hella long to write the accompaniment, but that's nothing new.
Meanwhile I'm waiting for Geoff...I'm waiting for Mr. Famous...I'm waiting for life to begin.... |
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| A Peson's a Person, No Matter How Famous |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|10:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ryan Scott Oliver: In Recital | ] |
What a disgusting night. I just feel like I've been run over or something.
Most of this has to do with what happened last night. I went to a piano bar in the West Village with a bunch of my classmates. To be honest, I wasn't sure I actually wanted to go out and spend the money on drinks, but I love my classmates and I would do anything if it means getting to spend time with them.
Well, it just so happens that someone "famous" was there. A Broadway and television figure. I would totally say who it was, but I'm not going to, because that's exactly the reason why I feel crappy right now. Mr. Famous got up to sing a song, and I was drunk and obnoxious all the way through...but that didn't stop him from delivering a good portion of it right to me. Afterward, he came over to my table and struck up conversations with the people sitting around me, but not to me. In fact, he didn't even look at me until he was about ready to walk away. He said, "Are you a writer, too?"
I replied, "I'm a composer," and did the Harold Hill piano pantomime. He smiled. I also said, "I'm a friend of Tim Acito's from Grand Old Ivy."
And he said, "Wow--so you're smart, too!?" And then walked away.
About 20 minutes passed before I got the courage to go up and talk to him--we exchanged a glance from across the bar, but I didn't feel that I'd had enough to drink to actually walk up to him. He was really hot...hotter than I ever could have imagined from seeing him onstage and on screen. As I was halfway through my fourth gin and tonic, I felt a tap on the shoulder: "You have a boyfriend, don't you?"
I said, "I know." That was my drunken response to his non-existent question.
"No, YOU have a boyfriend, don't you?" I just shook my head in disbelief. "Well, I don't know how to flirt any harder," he said, as he flashed his pretty-damn-perfect smile. I was mesmerized.
"I'm not sure what to say...."
"Well, would it be okay if I asked you out to dinner a couple of times?"
"I'd like that a lot," I managed to mutter. And with that, we went to the back of the bar to talk. We exchanged numbers, and he told me to call him to set up a date. But, impatient me, I couldn't wait, and--via text, 20 feet away from each other in the bar--we set up a date for Sunday night.
Now, my friends were getting restless and ready to leave. Actually, they weren't even my friends, but friends OF friends, and they were ragging on me for getting Mr. Famous's number. They wanted me to come with them to Therapy in Hell's Kitchen, where I could "get tons of 'better' guys' numbers."
I just laughed and proclaimed loudly, "Honey, when you have MR. FAMOUS'S phone number, you don't NEED other numbers." And then I heard Rolls say, "XXX!"
And there I saw Mr. Famous right there standing behind me. He looked shocked. He said, "XXX?" And I RAN. I was so drunk, I RAN away?! As I ran, I heard Mr. Famous shout my name: "XXX!" But I was already upstairs in the bathroom.
He texted me with: "What the f*ck was that?"
And I responded, "What the f*ck was what?"
He ended up telling me our date was off because I'm "just another fan." He proceeded to twist the dagger by saying, "If I'd have known that you were like this, I NEVER would have given you my number."
I don't understand why he was so upset. I tried to explain to him that a little hero worship isn't SO bad. I mean, even if he hadn't been Mr. Famous, people would still ask questions...I mean, he asked me to join him at the back of the bar in front of the 10 other people at our table. Our conversation ended with him saying, "Look: You know I think you're hot. I don't want to talk about this when we're both drunk. You have my number."
I called him today and got his voicemail; I asked him to call me back tonight. It's currently 10:52 p.m., and my phone has yet to ring. |
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| Heavy Eyelids and the End of a Long Day |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|11:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Alan Menken Album | ] |
I really haven't been this tired in a long time. Today was a long day, I suppose...but my days at the Grand Old Ivy were longer, and I somehow made it through. My original entry was going to be a lot happier than this one will be. For one reason: the word LOVE. But I'm getting ahead of myself....
Today I had to present in class. Present what? Specifically, a song I had written (well, the lyrics). Basically, the professors thought that it lacked some of the style and all of the grace of the piece that my collaborator and I had presented the week before. In fact, hardly anyone in the class appreciated the song, which is funny, because I ended up really liking it. (Writing it was hell for reasons that I won't go into here. Bascially, this was the thrid song I had written for the same assignment.) After class, two people came up to me and said that the song really affected them in a positive way, and that made me feel really good. At least I didn't feel like I was SO off the mark. After the three hours of song presentations, class resumed as usual 'til about 4:00.
I went with a pair of classmates to Starbucks to tell them about my weekend...my FABULOUS weekend...where I experienced a meeting that was essentially a year in the making. How exactly I met Geoff is a long story. What is important is that we became pretty devoted penpals and have been writing to each other since December 2004. He is blone, and beautiful, and went to the Grand Old Ivy, too, but he graduated a year before me. Last Friday night, we FINALLY met: dinner, drinks, a my-school party, more drinks, then my place. I'd never been with a blonde boy before, and though we did little more than cuddle, it was really like a dream come true. Geoff was/is everything I had hoped to find in a man, and he seemed to really appreciate me for who I am. Friday and Saturday (at the least the parts of those days that contained Geoff) seem like a fantastic dream.
I waited for Geoff to contact me after we parted ways, and he did so by AIM--that was good enough. I responded by e-mail...and his response contained the word LOVE as his closing. When I saw that, I immediately, frantically looked back through my e-mail archive to see if he'd ever done that before, and he hadn't which made my night more than you could ever imagine. Expecting a domino-effect of e-mails to ensue, I sent him a message telling him about my day, and a P.S. saying that I'm applying for a part-time job at Abercrombie on Fifth Ave. I also put an away message up that read, "Funny how one tiny word can change the entire course of a day, a relationship, a period in one's life...." He sent an IM in response that read, "Hm, I wonder what that word could be... ;-) " That made me feel really great, to know that we were SO in tune with each other.
But then he e-mailed me only a short reply to my P.S. e-mail, not to my longer e-mail...and he didn't have a "Dear XXX" or a "Hi, XXX" or a "Love" or "Yours" or anything! :-/ That's the reason for the tinge of sadness I'm feeling right now. I was expecting our relationship to develop and grow exponentially. Maybe it still will grow...and I'm just expecting too much too soon.
We shall see.... In the meanwhile, I'm off to bed. LONG DAY. |
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| Sick and Can't Sleep |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|01:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Light in the Piazza | ] |
I went out with a guy last Tuesday who said he kept a LiveJournal, but doesn't provide any clues about who he is or what he does (specificially) with his life. He mentions only that he lives in New York and describes his fabulous adventures there in whole without incriminating himself. And he says that he has a faitful following of readers. That intrigued me and made me think that maybe I should reconsider my position on LiveJournal.
I've always felt that writing in an online journal would be cheating my REAL journal. But, to tell the truth, I haven't written much in my real journal for about a year. The problem is that it's much too bulky and not very conducive to writing; it was made (by hand) by Hililayan mountain men...and, while the paper is very cool, it's just too much of a committment most nights. In college, I never said to myself, "Time to sleep. Let's pull out the journal and record the day's toughts." More often than not, I fell asleep on top of my differential equations or Shakespeare and didn't think twice about recording my thoughts for the day when I barely made it THROUGH my day. Writing in my journal was an act of desperation, an act reserved only for moments of pure depression or utter euphoria. Over my four years at the Grand Old Ivy, I collected a lot of good material, but now I'm in New York. Life is different here. I stagger home at 4 a.m. after a night at the club or the bar. I fall asleep whenever/however/with whomever I want. So (a) I have more time to write now, and (b) I actually have interesting things about which to write.
I bet you're thinking from the title of my journal that I'm an asshole. As you'll find out quickly, apparently I am. That's been a major criticism of me for the past two years...what happened two years ago to effect that change in me is a story for another night. I just want anyone reading this to know that I am a good person with a good heart looking for the same. And if sometimes I come off like a conceited asshole, well, that's my defense against this cruel, cruel world.
This is the second time I've been sick in the three weeks since I've moved to New York, and it's not fun. I think I actually picked this flu up from someone in my graduate program, but you can never be sure. Maybe I picked it up from one of the guys I've kissed since I've been here...? In any case, let's hope I feel better soon and have more interesting things to write about than my night in, reading. Tonight, we were actually all supposed to go out to Roxy (where I've never been). To be honest, I didn't want to pay the cover, and I'm a little leary of going there. I've heard about the masturbation balcony or whatever, and that's not really what I'm into. What I would like to find is a good guy with a good head on his shoulders who is passionate about what he does and respects me for what I do. But is the Roxy the place for that? I would say that this guy I went out with on Tuesday ALMOST fits that description, except for the fact that I texted him last night during intermission of THE PILLOWMAN, and I didn't hear back from him at all. In fact, he's online right now, and he's not IMing me. I think I may have seen the last of Mr. LiveJournal.
Tomorrow I'm to have brunch with a bunch of my classmates and friends from New York. If I'm feeling up to it, I have a feeling it's going to be a great time. Then I have to go work with my partner on our school project for a little while.
Maybe a little more reading before bed. I'm feeling a little better, which is a nice feeling. |
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